Reparenting Old Childhood Rules During the Holidays

The holiday season often brings childhood closer to the surface, not just as memories, but as emotional patterns that influence how we respond to the present.

From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, this happens because early experiences form parts of us that carry beliefs about safety, belonging, and what makes someone worthy of care. When the environment begins to resemble the past through traditions, family dynamics, or sensory cues, those parts can become more active.

This is especially true around values learned early in life. Many people grew up with strong messages about gratitude, humility, and not wanting too much. These messages often served an important purpose by helping children stay connected within their families. Over time, they can turn into internal rules that show up as judgment, urgency, or fear when they are activated.

Reparenting refers to the process of responding to these activated parts differently in adulthood. Instead of reacting automatically, reparenting involves noticing which beliefs or fears have been stirred and offering a steadier, more attuned internal response.

For parents, this dynamic often emerges through their children.

It is common for a child’s developmentally appropriate behavior, such as big emotions, shifting attention, or wanting more, to activate older fears about being spoiled, ungrateful, or difficult to love. These reactions rarely come from the child themselves. They come from earlier learning about what was acceptable, valued, or safe.

I have noticed this pattern in myself while watching my daughter move between moments of wonder and the intensity of being almost two. When her attention shifts quickly or a new toy does not hold her interest, an old judgment sometimes surfaces: she’s ungrateful. That word carries meaning shaped long before I became a parent. It is tied to a belief that being ungrateful leads to disconnection or rejection.

When I follow that reaction to its extreme, an image forms of a child who is never satisfied, surrounded by excess, and ultimately hard to love. From an IFS lens, this kind of extreme image often signals a protective part trying to prevent a feared outcome, even when the current situation does not warrant that level of alarm.

Reparenting, in moments like this, is not about correcting the child or suppressing the fear. It is about turning toward the part that learned these rules and offering it context, reassurance, and steadiness. It allows values like appreciation to exist without making them a condition for love or connection.

During the holidays, many people find themselves navigating similar internal tensions. Between who they want to be and what they fear. Between the present moment and the emotional residue of the past. Reparenting does not resolve these tensions all at once, but it does change how we relate to them.

Often, the work is subtle. It might look like pausing before reacting, letting meaning exist without forcing it, or allowing childhood, our own or our children’s, to be imperfect and still worthy of care.

This season tends to awaken old learning. When it does, reparenting offers a way to meet what arises with more openness and confidence than was once available.