Why Holidays Trigger Old Wounds: Understanding Complex Trauma in a Season of Family
The holidays can feel like a landmine for emotional triggers. It is kind of like that old saying, “Family is like a box of chocolates, you never know who is going to say something triggering,” or however the saying goes. You might look forward to certain moments and still notice something inside you tighten or react in response to what’s going on around you. It may be a feeling that shows up quickly or gradually, but it is real and it is familiar. Even if you have put in meaningful work to heal from your past, the holidays have a way of touching places that do not usually get stirred.
What Makes the Holidays So Triggering?
1. Old roles come back quicker than you think
You can spend years growing, healing, and learning yourself as an adult. Yet walking into a familiar family home can make those old roles feel like they snapped back into place overnight.
Some of my clients talk about becoming the peacekeeper again, the helper, or the one who tries to stay agreeable to keep the energy calm. Others notice they brace for criticism or pressure the moment they walk through the door.
These shifts make sense. When we move out of our family home, we often forget the subtle relational patterns that shaped us. Maybe your parents always had a quiet passive aggressiveness that you did not fully see until you returned as an adult. Or maybe you realize how closely your inner critic resembles the voice you grew up around. Sometimes those old dynamics are now directed at you, and that can be especially activating.
2. Complex trauma shows up in the body, not only in memory
Complex trauma often forms through repeated relational experiences that reinforce certain beliefs about yourself. You may have learned to stay small, stay agreeable, stay helpful, or stay quiet to keep the peace. Even if you know you are safe now, your nervous system may still anticipate the old dynamics.
Add in crowded houses, travel stress, disrupted routines, louder environments, and the pressure to be cheerful, and the body can respond as if it is stepping back into something it once had to endure.
3. Family expectations create pressure from many directions
Clients often tell me the holidays become stressful because of the comments and feedback they receive about their parenting choices. You may work hard to create routines for your children, yet hear things like, “It is fine if you bend that rule, we did it this way and everything turned out fine.” Even well-meaning comments can make you doubt yourself or feel watched.
Others feel tension around political differences that surface during gatherings. Some feel anxious about setting boundaries with family members who are used to having access to everyone’s time and energy. And many parents want to create new traditions within their own micro families, but fear the turbulence this might create with extended family.
These challenges are not small. They touch deep places where belonging, identity, and loyalty meet.
4. Nostalgia and grief often sit side by side
The holidays can highlight both what you have now and what you did not receive when you were younger. Many people notice an ache during moments that are supposed to feel joyful. You might think about the childhood you wished for or feel the weight of relationships that never became what you hoped they would.
Grief is not only about loss. It is also about longing.
5. Different environments can stir different parts of you
I notice in my own life that I respond differently depending on which side of the family I am with. My family of origin and my in-laws each have their own rhythms, expectations, and ways of relating. Both stir something in me, but in different ways.
This is something I hear from clients as well. Different environments pull forward different patterns, often without us realizing it in the moment.
How to Care for Yourself When the Past Creeps In
These are practices you can carry with you into any gathering, no matter how large or small.
1. Name what is happening
Try offering yourself a simple reminder:
“This is an old pattern waking up. I have choices now.”
Naming the experience helps bring your adult self back into the moment.
2. Prepare internal boundaries
Before you walk into a gathering, pause and ask yourself:
What is off limits for me this year?
Who feels grounding to sit near?
What helps me step away if I feel overstimulated?
Boundaries do not always require a conversation.
3. Give your nervous system a reset option
Small moments of internal pause can make the whole day feel more manageable.
You might:
- step outside for a breath of fresh air
- take two minutes alone in the bathroom
- drink something warm and show your exhale
- text someone who feels steady
- check in with your body before returning to the group
These small shifts can interrupt the feeling of being swept back into the past.
4. Allow room for grief if it shows up
If sadness, frustration, or longing show up this season, it is simply a reflection of how layered this time of year can be. These emotions surface because they were once pushed down to keep things moving. The holidays tend to reopen places that want acknowledgment.
Letting the feeling exist is one step toward healing. Notice if there are parts of you that don’t want to let these feelings to have a place at the holiday table.
5. Notice what is true about your life today
You may have relationships that are healthier than the ones you grew up with. You may be building traditions with your own family that feel meaningful. You may be creating a home where emotional safety is valued.
Your story did not end in the home you grew up in. You are shaping a new one now.
If the Holidays Feel Hard, You Are Not Alone
Many people feel activated during this time of year. Complex trauma shapes how we move through seasons that center family, belonging, and expectations. Your reactions
If this season is stirring something in you, therapy can help you understand those patterns and tend to the parts of you that still feel tender.
You deserve support that honors your full story.
