Holding It All Together During Fertility Treatment

If you’re in the middle of infertility or fertility treatment, you’ve probably noticed it doesn’t stay in the exam room. It can follow you into your day in unexpected ways. Checking the portal. Avoiding the portal. Having a full internal debate about whether to check it again. Getting pulled into it and then judging yourself for how much space it’s taking up. Thinking about timelines while you’re doing something completely unrelated. Acting like you’re “not thinking about it today” and then thinking about it more than usual.

There can be a lot of waiting and a lot of not knowing what comes next. You might feel hopeful at times and then find yourself pulling back from that hope just as quickly. For a lot of people, there isn’t much space to actually pause and take in what this is like.

If some of this feels unprocessed or hard to put into words, that makes sense. There hasn’t been much space for it.

When this experience starts to bring up more

One thing I notice sitting with clients in this process is how much effort goes into not feeling certain things. There is often some awareness in the background that this might not work and letting yourself really go there can feel like too much.

At the same time, most of what people hear from others leans toward staying positive.

“In God’s time.”
“Don’t give up.”
“Sending baby dust.”
“Just try to relax.”
“It will happen when it’s meant to.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”

It’s a kind sentiment that comes from a good place, but it doesn’t leave much space for grief. Or fear. Or shame. Or moments of hopelessness.

So those feelings do not always get much attention. Instead, you might find yourself trying to stay on top of everything. Researching. Planning. Double checking. Wondering if there is something more you should be doing. Questioning your body in a way you haven’t before.

This matters to you. Of course parts of you are trying to handle the complexity of emotions in the ways they’ve learned to, even if those ways feel a little rigid or exhausting right now.

Why this can feel much bigger than it looks

Sometimes what comes up during fertility treatment is not only about what is happening right now. It can tend to connect to themes that have been there before.

You might notice:

• A strong reaction to feeling out of control
• Thoughts about something being wrong with your body
• A sense of being on your own in something important
• Pressure to get this right or not miss anything
• Fear of wanting something deeply and not getting it
• A feeling that this outcome says something about you

A lot of high-functioning women are not used to putting everything they have into something and not having it work out. You might be used to preparing, working hard, staying organized, and seeing that effort pay off.

But this is different. It can bring up a sense of vulnerability that is unfamiliar.

When that happens, it makes sense that other parts of you step in: the part that keeps researching, the part that stays positive, the part that pulls back from hope, the part that just keeps going.

When “doing everything right” still isn’t working

A lot of people say some version of, “I feel like I’m doing everything right and it’s still not working.”

If you’re someone who is used to being thoughtful and on top of things, this might be one of the first times effort does not lead to a clear outcome. Fertility does not work the same way as the rest of your life and there can be grief in that. Sometimes it can help to notice what this feeling is like for you. Have you felt something similar before? Does this feel new? You might also notice what comes up around the idea of letting go (even just a little).

The different reactions you might notice and ways to check in with yourself

It’s common to feel pulled in different directions during this process.

A part of you might imagine what it would feel like if this works. Another part might not want to go too far into that.

A part of you might want to research everything. Another part might feel tired of thinking about it all.

If you feel frustrated with yourself for reacting this way, that makes sense. There might be a part of you that wants to handle this well. And when your reactions don’t match that, it can feel uncomfortable.

All of these responses have a reason for being there. Trying to stay informed, trying to regain control in a situation that is outside of your control, trying to brace, trying to step back when it feels like too much, trying to keep everything together.

What is it like for you to notice these reactions?

If you want to slow things down, here are a few places you might start:

• What feels hardest to sit with right now?
• If I imagine this working, what do I notice?
• If I imagine it not working, what feels hardest about that?
• What makes that feeling hard to stay with?
• Is there a sense that I need to do this right?
• Do I notice different reactions in me that do not agree with each other?
• What feels like too much to carry by myself right now?

Advocating for support with your care team

It’s easy to look like you are handling this well from the outside. You’re keeping track of the information. Showing up to appointments. Making decisions.

And sometimes, when it looks like you have it all together, your providers may not realize how much support you could actually use. That doesn’t mean you don’t need it. A lot of people don’t even remember the last time they took a full, deep breath in the middle of all of this.

You don’t have to wait for someone to notice. You’re allowed to ask for more clarity. More time. More support.

That could look like:

• Can you walk me through what to expect beyond the medical side?
• If I feel unsure about a decision, what does it look like to slow things down?
• What support is available if this starts to feel overwhelming?
• Can you explain this in a way that helps me feel more grounded in what I am choosing?
• Who can I reach out to if I have questions between appointments?

You don’t have to be handling this perfectly. (What would that even look like?) You also don’t have to figure out all of your feelings at once. But you might notice what happens if you let just a small amount of what you’ve been holding start to come through.

What do you sense might be there, if you let yourself feel even a small amount more than you have been?